our mama fails (and successes!)

MEGAN

Oh, failure. It's something that I have experienced many times in my life - not only in being a mama but in many phases of my life. When I was in middle school, I decided I was going to set out and try practically every sport - if you know me, you may know that while I enjoy light exercise, team sports are not my game. (The pun wasn't intended but I'm liking it! What a slam dunk! Haha.) At one particular tryout for 7th-grade volleyball, amongst girls clad in under armor headbands and brand new, cute gear, I was the gawky one most likely wearing a musical tee shirt. We had to practice serving the ball over the net - a simple task for one who plays volleyball. Naturally, I was last to serve, so I felt all eyes on me as I launched volleyballs everywhere BUT over the net - including smacking the wall so hard and so precisely that it soared back and whammed the coach right in the back of the head, causing her to drop her clipboard.

Yes, this actually happened.

And somehow, I was still surprised that I didn't make the team. Alright, 7th-grade self. Flash forward to the next year, in cross country, when I was pretty much the slowest runner on the team. *cue crying while running through the woods about a half mile behind everyone else* I felt out of place and like the slow lone wolf in the group.

Another flash forward to my first job - waiting tables at the Yum Yum Tree, an old-time ice cream parlor and restaurant with a little train that looped around the top of the restaurant. I made about a million tiny fails working here - constantly forgetting drinks, sometimes entire tables, a 16-year-old that was trying her best - and who's best sometimes doesn't quite cut it. I once got yelled at by a pregnant lady and scolded by an old man.

So, why am I telling you all of these lovely failures? Well, as a mama, I've already made some fails and some little mistakes - no mom (or person) is perfect. Chris and I were in California visiting family, and we put Ben to sleep. Both of us consecutively tripped over the cord to his baby monitor, and both times it fell and hit Ben as he was sleeping. Ben was startled, I cried and felt terrible, but he ended up being okay after some serious snuggles. I have had strangers tell me to "keep him warm" in the winter and correct me on simple tasks when I'm feeding him. When I think back and realize that I stopped breastfeeding after two months when my milk supply dropped, I feel guilty and like I failed at breastfeeding, too. Some days I look at my phone too much when I'm taking care of him, and I often fail with nap time and routines.

The thing is, whether you're a new mom, a seasoned mom, or you're not a mom at all, you will fail. When it comes to babies, I think there's a new level of guilt when we do fail - that we are letting them down, that we are not good enough mothers. I know when Ben has gotten hurt - he once rolled off the bed onto the carpet, one of the scariest moments for me so far - I feel sadness, shame, and guilt for his tears. But you know what? Many of my days are filled with successes - and I bet yours are, too.
Ben smiles about a thousand times a day. If he isn't smiling and he's upset, I often know how to calm him down. I can pack a diaper bag like a pro for any occasion, and I have no fear of taking him most anywhere. He's calm and trusting of people. On our flight back from California, approximately 4 hours or so, Ben was not in a good mood whatsoever - it was very tense and loud, and Chris and I were really stressed, but I remained patient and handled the situation.

If you're having a day where you feel like you fell short and you feel nothing but stress and guilt, remind yourself of all the times you made your baby laugh or smile. (Also, scoop yourself a big bowl of ice cream and take a shower - tomorrow is a new day, full of mama successes!)

My little buddy! I am proud of how I'm able to take him wherever I go, and we have so many fun adventures together.

My smiling sweetheart. I love seeing that smile every day! I love how he's always focused on exactly what's in front of him - whether it's play, smiles, or food!

SHELBY

Excuse me while I wipe my tears from reading Megan's perfectly worded segment above.

When I think about the word failure, there is another word that comes to mind -expectations. So many times in our lives we are given a list of expectations of our peers, parents, relatives, friends, teachers, coaches, doctors, the list goes on and on. As children, we are expected to put our childhood on pause for seven hours a day and go to school, and yet when we get home we are expected to play, as teenagers we are expected to fit in yet still be unique, have friends, have hobbies, have FUN... and yet "grow up" and "be mature." All of these expectations -tugging our lives in different directions day by day.

When it comes to adulthood, these expectations are still lurking around. Some (most) adults carry these expectations with them forever and continue to place them on younger generations that follow after them. However, when expectations are so conflicting as some can be, we start to believe that we are failures for not being good at doing every little thing that is expected of us. No wonder teenage years are some of the hardest! How can they possibly manage all of those conflicting expectations paired with all of the hormones and changes going on in their lives? It's practically impossible, and in turn, can make them feel like failures, possibly for years to come.

Expectations aren't all bad! Some can actually be very positive. For example, setting an expectation for yourself to feel happy, or to spend more time doing something you love, those can be great for our health!

I know you're probably all thinking "obviously, Shelby."

The point is -when it comes to motherhood, there are so many unrealistic expectations that society has put in place. (Because why not give new mothers even more to worry about besides keeping a tiny, fragile infant alive). One expectation that challenged me the most was the pressure to breastfeed.

When we brought Rhett home from the hospital, we were having the hardest time getting him to latch. He was so hungry, I was so stressed, tired, and sore, and we just couldn't make it happen. At that time I didn't have a breast pump yet because he was born on the weekend and the hospital couldn't get me one until the following weekday..ugh! (Make sure you have yours right away in case this happens to you!!!). I was so engorged. I was crying from the pain and the defeat that I felt because I couldn't feed my baby. Thankfully, my mother ran to the store and picked up the best formula she could find, and he was fed that night while my husband went out in a snowstorm to find me a hand pump. For the first few weeks of Rhett's life, he was fed formula and pumped breast milk. Even though I so badly wanted to breastfeed, I eventually came to terms with the fact that at least my baby was getting fed. He was healthy and that really was all that mattered!

But I couldn't ever completely shake the feeling of failure I had knowing he wasn't being breastfed. Some days I would catch a small feeling of guilt while preparing his bottles, or when people would ask us how Rhett was being fed, (which honestly, why do people always want to know if a baby is breastfed or not? Is it really necessary for you to know? If not, which it isn't unless you're a doctor, then don't ask!). It came to a point when I had to let go of the expectation to breastfeed my baby and go with the flow in order to be happy and just enjoy motherhood.

Thankfully within six to eight weeks of Rhett being home, he was able to latch again. He has now been exclusively breastfed for over three months! Sometimes I think back to those first few weeks, maybe I should've tried harder, maybe I should've sought more help without feeling guilty, but when it comes down to it -it is what it is. I remind myself that I did the best I could with what I had going on.

Even now that Rhett is seven months old, there are days when I forget to pack enough diapers and he has to wait longer than usual to be changed. Days where I am struggling so much that I have to ask someone to hold him just so that I can take a second to breathe. Days where the laundry goes unfolded and the dishes go unwashed. There are times when Rhett gets hurt and I feel so upset with myself. And just like Megan mentioned, there are days where I feel like I spent too much time on my phone. We all make mistakes and have imperfections, but that's just life!

I am thankful that I have had the strength to endure the pressures of society. One of my biggest hopes is that you mamas who are reading this will let go of all the unrealistic expectations that society has for you. Whether it be someone telling you to get rid of your stretch marks or lose the "baby weight," don't let anyone make you feel bad for the way you look postpartum. When you are feeling depressed and don't know why, don't force yourself to be happy just because the new mom on Instagram seems to have it all perfect. (Chances are, she doesn't). These things are all normal and are a part of motherhood, which makes them beautiful. Us mamas sacrifice so much for our children. Our bodies and our emotions are just some of the things we can't always control after giving birth to tiny humans -so don't try to!

Now, when you've finished that bowl of ice cream and that shower, look at yourself in the mirror and realize you may never be perfect in this life, but you are human and it's ok to have bad days. Don't ever feel bad for not following the expectations of others. Make your own goals and set personal expectations that only you can dictate. Bad day or good day, your baby will still love you -try to love yourself the same.

This smile. This is what warms my heart no matter how many times I've failed him that day. In this particular picture, he had a fever and wasn't feeling well. I love that babies can still find joy even in hard times. I long for the same ability some days!

One of my biggest mama successes is early potty training with Rhett! There are some things we just aren't ever going to be good at in this life. Focus on what you are good at and stay patient with yourself for the rest.